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Yesterday, an internist at Southeast Missouri Hospital informed dad that his cancer has grown much more rapidly than expected. It has metastasized to both lungs and into the tissue and arteries surrounding the pancreas. One of the nodules in the lungs is pressing against his heart. Representatives from Hospice met with our family and made plans. Dad will meet with his oncologist Tuesday morning to determine if any other possible treatments are warranted or encouraged. The news was obviously devastating. Within moments we all found ourselves reaching into the depths of resources for the strength, steadfastness, and patience we have spent years storing up in case a situation like this should arise. These are the things we have to cling to since our own understanding evades us now.
Uncle Craw had been at the hospital with mom and dad and, thankfully, was there when the doctor delivered the news. Two nights before we learned the cancer had spread, Uncle Craw and dad spent hours telling stories and laughing about the trouble they've gotten themselves into over the years.
I couldn't sleep last night and found myself thinking about the idea of greatness. Greatness is typically defined by grandiose achievements and Nobel Prizes and world championships. I think greatness truly exists when one walks through the valley of the shadow of death and fears no evil. In the same conversation in which dad was telling me aspects of the doctor's news, he was truly more concerned about Ben and James' pink eye. Greatness exists in the true acts of selflessness evidenced by putting others before yourself even during a time of individual crisis.
How many of us could have news like this and not have to think about mending broken relationships or forgiving enemies? These things are not among the overwhelming thoughts clouding dad's mind as he has no enemies or animosity toward anyone.
I couldn't sleep last night through the anxiety shadowing my thoughts. I couldn't help but think about the road before us. I couldn't help but think about the unbearable feelings I have watching my mom endure this. I also couldn't help but think about the blessings in knowing the true value and magnitude of time. Honestly, there are a spectrum of emotions here. A bit of anger from some of us, a huge lack of comprehension, and a flurry of things in between. I thought last night....I guess in our process of this, we start with anger and disbelief and will eventually transcend to "It is well with my soul."
This sounds so depressing. We still have hope. In the face of the seemingly insurmountable, we still have hope. God is larger than cancer. We rest in this knowledge. A wonderful friend of mine told me she is praying that a blanket of love and comfort be layered over all of us. I think that is a beautiful prayer, and especially pray that God make his presence known and real to mom...in the form of physical hugs.
James, Ben, Tim and I came in last night. Today, we're going to pick out pumpkins at the farm and going to see the Anheiser Busch Clydesdales with Jessica and Austin. Dad's looking forward to taking Ben to his first Cotton Carnival Parade tomorrow.
Our family is never short of one liners, good food, and wacky ideas. We are running short on none, and enjoying them all.
Thank you all so much for your cards, meals, prayers, support, fasting, and love. Dad has the stack of cards you've all sent by his recliner and reads them daily....we all do. He also reads the comments you post here. The outpouring of love and support has been a true testament to dad's character.
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Isaiah 42:15-17
Hug your family. Cherish each moment. Life is precious.
